Modern Day Piracy and You
by Kusco
Summary: Shirley leads a new group in Greendale's Yachting Class, little does she know that pirates lurk in the parking lot seas of Greendale. Written in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, set at the beginning of Season 3.


"Yar Har Fiddle Dee Dee, Do what you want cause a pirate is free!" Troy sang while he pulled the sail open.

"Troy I'd appreciate if you'd stop singing that," Shirley said as she passed. "We're just a happy crew of Christian seamen that don't engage in piracy."

"Yes," Britta finished hoisting the anchor. "We're Christian Seamen, that's exactly how I'd describe us."

"You guys!" Annie whined from her perch, high above them on the mast. "I know you've all taken this class before but I really need to concentrate if we're going to get an 'A'. What if we hit a storm like you did the first time you took this class?"

"Shirley can get us through it," Troy said. "I can't believe they're letting us take this class again for full credit! Easiest A ever! And this time there's no Pierce to give me complicated moral dilemmas!"

Shirley nodded with a wide smile as she surveyed her crew preparing to set sail in the Greendale parking lot. Taking the sailing class again certainly hadn't been her first choice but at least as, Troy had a point, they'd successfully tricked Pierce so he wouldn't know they were all reuniting for the class without him. She just couldn't handle the added responsibility.

"We're on our way Admiral Shirley!" Chang shouted from the small tractor that pulled the ship through the parking lot. She sighed. Of course at this point she wasn't sure if she would have preferred Pierce to Chang. At least she still had Starburns, the first time around he had been her most reliable crewman. The only person better would possibly be Rich. That man knew his way around a boat.

"Ahead at full speed," Shirley commanded.

"It would appear you've lost none of your salt Admiral Shirley," Admiral Slaughter said from the back of the boat. She nodded appreciatively. "But you might want to be sure to tend to your crew's morale."

Shirley glanced over to see Troy and Britta already engaged in a shouting match, their faces just inches from each other. As usual she couldn't tell if they were about to tear each other apart or make out. Both of them ignored Rich desperately trying to break it up.

"Excuse me!" Shirley stepped in between them. "Will you two knock it off? We're supposed to be the seasoned professionals here to show Annie and Chang how this is done! What are you squabbling about?"

"Well…" Troy began.

"Hey… guys…" Annie called from the mast.

"Troy said that the open seas are no place for someone like me!"

"Troy that wasn't very nice."

"I wasn't trying to insult you Britta! If you'd just listen…"

"Guys seriously! Listen to me! Something's coming…"

"Do you think that's bad luck for women to be on boats!? I thought you were different Troy!"

"Troy I'm a woman and your Admiral…"

"It's not because you're women!"

"Another ship! Another ship is coming!"

"Will you just…. Annie stop yelling! I'm trying to explain that I care too much for Britta for her to drown like Pierce did!"

"Holy Crapbuckets!" Chang shouted. "Another ship!"

Finally Shirley, Troy, and Britta looked up to see the ship Annie and Chang were shouting about. Roughly the same size as the boat they were in, they could see it with the naked eye on the far end of the parking lot, rolling slowly toward them. Shirley turned to Admiral Slaughter.

"It's not uncommon to meet other boats," he acted as if this wasn't insane. "Try to signal them with the radio or wave them over. Perhaps they need help."

Shirley nodded for Troy to fetch the radio as the ship neared. The longer she stared at it, the colder she got and the deeper the hole in her stomach sank. Something wasn't right about this. Was this a new test devised by Admiral Slaughter?

Troy huffed as he handed her the radio and joined Britta at the front of the ship. Shirley flipped it on, cleared her throat and raised the comm to her lips. "H… hello, this is the _S.S. Nosecandy_ we're so happy to see a friendly neighbor on the high seas. Would you like to let us know who we have the pleasure of meeting?"

The radio responded with static, meanwhile the boat drew closer.

"Um… unidentified ship… please identify yourself."

"Guys…" Annie remained at her look out. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"… Identify yourself…"

Shirley gripped the intercom tightly and kept her eyes locked on the oncoming boat. A sudden flutter on its mast caught her attention and her eyes widened when she recognized what was seeing. The intercom dropped from her fingers and Troy vocalized what they all saw.

"Pirates!"

The skull and cross bones flying on the ship identified them much better than any sort of naval jargon across a radio ever could. Shirley spun around to face Admiral Slaughter. His usual calm demeanor had faded as he stared at the flag.

"Chang!" Shirley shouted. "Get back on the iron jinny! We have to outrun them!"

"It's too late!" Britta yelled. "They're almost on us!"

"Do we have any weapons?" Annie cried. "Something to defend ourselves with?"

"The… dean stored paintball supplies down below," Admiral Slaughter managed to recollect himself. "And I suggest you be ready to use it. Pirates are a very real threat, even in these days."

"Britta you have to abandon ship!" Troy yelled. "Get on the life raft!"

"Knock it off Troy!" Britta snapped.

"Annie," Shirley called. "See if you can't get a look at who's on the boat. Maybe we can negotiate with them."

"Okay!" Annie lifted the binoculars to her eyes then shrieked and dropped them. Shirley lunged and just barely caught them. She took a breath, gathered herself together, then put the binoculars to her eyes. A weird grinding noise came to her ears and she realized it came from her, gritting her teeth, when she focused on the crew of the ship.

Pierce stood at the wheel, wearing a feathery pirate hat shouting orders while Annie's Boobs sat on his shoulder. Beside him was Abed, in full Jack Sparrow costume, preparing a paintcannon of some sort. Even more shocking was the man carrying out Pierce's orders and directing the rest of the crew. The last person she ever imagined on boat in a parking lot. Jeff Winger.

Yet there he was, pointing at the mounted cannons for Magnitude and Buddy to man.

Starburns came up with a handful of paintball guns, clips, and randomly, a few sets of nerf swords. Troy snatched one up and swung it excitedly. Shirley pursed her lips at the thought of using them but what else could they do? Pierce had somehow dragged Jeff and Abed into crazytown. They had to defend themselves.

By now Pierce's ship was nearly to them. The churning of motor from a tow tractor echoed across the parking lot and Shirley prepped her gun while she looked on at the ship. She could see them all without the help of the binoculars. Pierce stood on the bridge triumphantly before raising a megaphone to his lips.

"This is Commodore Hawthorne of the _S.S. Kick Your Ass_," His voice boomed. "Lay down your weapons and prepare to be boarded!"

"Pierce stop it!" Shirley yelled. "We didn't invite you to this class because you do things like this!"

"Your face does things like this!"

"Abed!?" Troy finally noticed his friend waggling his hands around. "Abed when did you become God?"

"The very much best question is where you've stored the rum!" Abed shouted back.

"Ugh," Annie managed to get down on deck. "That's almost as bad as the rum jokes in the actual movies…. Jeff!? Jeff what are you doing?"

"Don't worry Annie," Rich stepped in front of her, holding one of the nerf swords and a paintball gun. "I'll protect you."

Jeff didn't say anything. Instead, he locked eyes on Rich, then cocked back one of his paintball pistols and stuffed it in his belt.

"Last chance Captain Black…. Blacky!" Pierce said. "Surrender!"

"You can surrender in Hell!" Shirley screamed and hefted her pistol. "We'll sink your boat to the bottom of the… parking lot first. Battle Stations!"

She turned around, her crew just stared at her.

"I said get to your battle stations."

"Um…" Chang raised his hand. "We don't have battle stations."

"Well then get some weapons and get ready to fight!"

"Ready!" Pierce shouted, they turned and Chang dropped the gun he had just picked up when their eyes met the armed paint cannons manned by Magnitude, Buddy, Pavel.

"Aim!"

"Hit the deck!"

"Fire!"

Paint exploded from the cannons, all of them managed to fall flat on the deck before the impact… except Starburns. He took the massive paintball right to the chest and flew backwards, right off the boat and onto a nearby car where both now dripped in pink paint.

Planks hit the top of the deck. Shirley rolled to her side then looked to her crew. "Return fire!"

With experience born from following her orders, on the ship and from two paintball events, her crew did exactly as they were told and pumped paint pellets at Pierce's ship. Shirley nearly took an errant shot in the face but managed to duck out of the way just in time.

She locked her aim onto Pierce but faltered when his crew started pouring across the planks, wielding nerf swords of their own, dripping with paint. Chang tried to flip the planks over but took a head shot from Abed Sparrow.

Troy launched himself at the Abed Sparrow and locked nerf… blades with him. Before Shirley could managed to get a better look she found herself dodging a stroke from Buddy.

"Yarr me timbers!" he cackled as their blades locked, rubbing her sword with an ample helping of paint she could use herself.

She shoved Buddy back and then swung the sword, carving a deep pink line across his belly. He screamed out like he'd been cut and started crying and wailing about being too young to die like this.

"And it's shiver! Yarr my ass," Shirley yelled as she overturned one of the planks while Pavel ran across. So occupied with making sure Pavel hadn't broke anything, she barely saw the grappling hook snag on the mast and, by then, she was to busy fighting Magnitude to notice Jeff swinging across and landing right in front of Rich and Annie.

Rich brandished his sword and held a hand out, keeping Annie at arm's length from their upcoming battle. Annie kept trying to peak around him, to draw a bead on Jeff, but Rich made sure she never got a clear shot. Jeff just remained where he stood, watching Rich prepare for the fight. His eyes trailed to Annie and then to Rich.

"You can't win Jeff," Rich said. "I took the fencing championship back in my med school days!"

Jeff reached for his sword but instead pulled out his pistol, almost lazily, and pumped a just shot into Rich's chest. The doctor stared down at his shirt, looked back to Jeff than ran away. Before Annie knew what was happening, Jeff loomed over her. She snapped up her own pistol but he knocked it aside with his sword. Weaponless, Annie backed up until her legs hit the boat's railing.

"Jeff seriously! What is going on? Is Pierce offering you money? Is he working to get you reinstated? Why are you here!?"

"Money? Law degrees?" Jeff said. "Annie you got me all wrong. I'm just here for the bootie."

Annie barely managed an 'Ah!' before Jeff latched onto her and flung her over his shoulder. She pounded on his back with her fists, kicking and screaming, possibly giggling, the entire way but he kept right on going, across the one plank that remained until he was safe on Pierce's ship and taking Annie down below.

The rest of the surviving Pirate crew retreated along with him and Pierce gave the order to cast off. Their tractor fired in reverse and the ship lurched away. Shirley scanned her ship, Starburns, Chang, and Rich were dead. Troy was wounded on the arm and muttering something about a lost medallion as Britta tried to clean the 'wound'. And Annie…

"Britta," Shirley said. "Prepare to get underway."

"What?" she looked up from Troy. "Shirley, Troy's hurt!"

"I'm aware of that, but he'll have to suck it up. Man your stations. They took Annie, they attacked our ship. We're going after them."

"Aye!" Troy jumped up.

"And you're not going alone!" a familiar voice chimed from below.

Shirley peered over the edge of the boat to see the Dean, dressed as a mermaid, waving at them.

"Your ship will be aided by Mer-power!"

Shirley nodded and focused on Pierce's ship.

"Let's kick their asses!" she grinned at her crew. "Set sail me Harties yo ho!"


End file.
